Tabloid Troll And The Hacked Off Nexus Of Evil

I have been moved to write this blog in response to cynical attempts by dark forces to silence a brave and honourable internet troll who has asked a series of probing questions about the Media Standards Trust (answers available on Wikipedia, Ssshh) and forensically uncovered Six Degrees of Sinister Seperation a Labour politician, a blogger and a failed journalist (me!). It is true, I am a foot soldier for the Hacked Off Nexus Of Evil, a shadowy alliance where even MP Tom Watson is forced to sit on Hugh Grant’s lap to be stroked as the actor plots his next raid on those sacred press freedoms of blackmailing prostitutes and accusing the nearest bloke who reads poetry of murder.

On Monday a Hacked Off Nexus Of Evil sleeper cell by the name of Bloggerheads moved to assassinate Tabloid Troll – outing him as journalist Dennis Rice - and with it remove the last thing standing between the innocent British public and The Hacked Off Nexis Of Evil's promised land of a Zimbabwe-style state run press, complete with a mandatory daily page 3 pic of John Prescott getting out the shower. Game over, Freedom!

I had thrown my lot in with these zealots after being promised editorship of the Morning Star once we secured power.

I realise now this was a grave mistake.

Last March I made a heedless career U-turn to leave the tabloid industry, and now, like a confused pensioner behind the wheel, I wish to go back again.

There is one man and one man alone who has inspired this backslide from Damascus –Tabloid Troll. He has told me things about myself I didn’t even realise were true. It has been a humbling experience.

He has - without need to resort to piddling evidence - proved that far from leaving the Daily Star on ethical grounds I did so in a fit of rage at being overlooked for a coveted staff job. Like a modern day Frankenstein I decided to dedicate my life to destroying the tabloid industry that so cruelly snubbed me.

What can I say, I’ve got rejection issues.

But the wheels have now come off. In a blog he informs me of just how dismal my life has become. It is true, for a while post-Leveson my life was a blur of champagne and supermodels. I couldn’t handle the searing fame of appearing on a live internet stream of a public inquiry and I sought solace in earthly vices. I remember nothing from those days, but lucky Tabloid Troll was watching over me and has now told what he calls ‘the savage truth’ – I thank him for it.

Without him how would I know I was humiliatingly refused jobs at both the Independent and Guardian. Pity me, I didn’t even know I’d applied.

Without my knowledge bailiffs have been hammering at the door of my north London flat according to tweets even Twitter has no recollection of me sending. TV scripts, book deals, documentaries, it was all in the palm of my hand! Now gone! Gone! At the tender age of 27 it's off to the glue factory for me. If I'm lucky they might use me to gum the spine of Fabulous magazine.

I haven’t seen Dennis Rice in at least five years, since working with him at a paper Tabloid Troll denies I ever worked at *cough*, but, this being a tabloid hack, those closest to me are on hand to provide a pithy quote anyway. They speak of my ‘personal disintegration’, which is generous. You should hear what they say to my face.

Tabloid Troll leaves me in no doubt his diagnosis of my personal collapse - the evidence at Leveson of my former press agency boss Matthew Bell, who, Tabloid Troll makes clear, told Leveson I had lied on my CV, and was sacked accordingly. Seeing as this neither appears on video or the transcript (plus the inconvenient fact I didn’t even own a CV in 2008) I assume this information was imparted in a series of hand signals under the table. Regardless, I was left so distraught by this non-evidence that I ‘quietly’ changed my twitter profile. I tried to do it loudly, hammering at my keyboard, howling at my spittle-flecked screen. No one heard, except Tabloid Troll.

I now read Tabloid Trolls posts and yearn to be back in of the tabloid fold where things are simpler. Since signing-up to the Hacked Off Nexus Of Evil I’m constantly being hindered by nuance and shades of grey. I do so covet Tabloid Troll’s epistemological autism. It is a matter of deep personal regret that I threatened to disturb his carefully honed ignorance by stating in a seminar to the Leveson Inquiry last autumn that I “could count on fingers and toes” the stories I wrote that were genuinely true. My later attempt to direct him to an article I wrote about how the legalistic truth-telling of the modern newsroom is radically removed from a genuine, moral one was only adding insult to injury. I apologise.

I understand his anger. That Leveson speech really should have been his. He could have worn a balaclava, growled menacing at a few media academics and offered outside anyone who still dared raise objection as he launched into a three-hour pub bore invective about how £1 on the counter is the only arbiter the press needs. He embodies Logicus McMullus, but with less charm.

When it comes to truth, Tabloid Troll leads by example; cobbling together a few facts, deriving a dozen assumptions and dousing the lot in a cocktail of speculation, innuendo and conspiracy theory. When on the back foot he cranks the whole apparatus in reverse. Calling a Hacked Off employee a “silly cow” becomes pointing out her experience. Mocking Guardian blogger Martin Robbin’s weight is simply defending his industry. When presented with seemingly irrefutable evidence that he is in fact Dennis Rice he claims he is being stalked by a loon.

I agree wholeheartedly with his gaggle of supporters: If you want to learn how tabloids work you could do a lot worse than follow Tabloid Troll.

(Or, you could buy this book! sample of my chapter here!)

Of course, Dennis (No, I mean Troll! I mean.. Argh!) has rightly refused to prove that he’s not Dennis. After all why, when he spent weeks haranguing the MST to answer his questions, should he regard it reasonable that a few questions be asked of him?  Why, when he last month attempted to unmask popular blogger TabloidWatch, would he consider it fair game that he suffers the same?

You may wonder whether it’s a further hypocrisy-trap to question the credibility of others, threaten, belittle, abuse, smear, from behind a cloak of anonymity.

You may even wonder whether calling yourself a whistleblower to defend this anti-social behavior is a convenient cover for cowardice. You may also ask when he’s actually going to blow the whistle on something. 

If you have countenanced any of the above you have already been brainwashed by the Hacked Off Nexus Of Evil, the very people determined to eradicate Tabloid Troll from Twitter. Like by-passers stopping to gawp at a car crash, Tabloid Trolls account is mildly popular, and the Hacked Off Nexus Of Evil – the nasty bastards out in the open with their secret agendas and tweets and occasional comment pieces – simply cannot abide it.

It is ominous enough to them that Tabloid Troll has spawned Twitter children (“my dad earned six figs last year”) but it was six of his tweeted words that have sent shudders through the ranks: “Tabloid Troll Is All Of Us”.

He’s right. Duty calls. I’m heading back to the gutters of Fleet Street, armed with an iPhone, a sneer, and a perculiar desire to address myself in the third person. 

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